I suppose the financial debacle of 2008 should have put a pall on how I felt about the new year-2009. And, truthfully, the news streaming into my home from every communication crevice, including the US Post, seemed to portend a dismal future. Forecloures all around me, business at a stand still, retail stores bankrupt, fast-rising unemployment, Isreal invading Gaza, Hamas bombing Isreal, Pakistan closing the Tyber Pass to US envoys, India freaking out about Pakistan, Russia refusing to pass gas through Ukraine, major genocide in Africa, Global economies imploding...it seemed the world could not live in its own body.
On the night of December 30th, my body went through its own symbolic miasmic disruption, and now I think it was a sort of parallel symbology, what is happening to our earth was happening to me. That night, I could not feel comfortable in my own body; I couldn't sleep because no matter in what position I put my body, I could not stand it. I could not place my arms on my body without feeling oppressed. I turned left and my right arm naturally fell on my right side - it was too heavy, I turned right, same thing with my left arm. Even lying on my back was uncomfortable, I couldn't adjust my neck in the pillow for support, not even changing pillows, it was too hot, too cold, hard to breathe. I couldn't touch my own body without it feeling alien.
Then, I felt as if my heart was going to explode. I thought I was going to die. I touched my chest and my pulse, but found them normal. I began to pray. I prayed for what seems like hours - or perhaps it was just the transition from dark night to gray dawn. Regardless, I prayed, "I am God expressing; my body was designed perfectly and thus it functions perfectly; every system in my body is harmonious and working in perfect grace with each other...."
Getting out of bed in the morning light, I decided to do daily chores to establish a sense of normality, wash the dishes, do the laundry, etc...yet, the feeling that I was a stranger in my body continued and I had to rest the remainder of the day. By evening, I had returned to my body. I went to a New Year's Eve party.
The next day, I spoke to a dear friend, Margo. We chatted about personal issues but before we ended the conversation she said, "Last night, I thought I was going to die." She then related how she thought during the night she felt alien to her body and after hours of trying to sleep and adjust, she thought she was dying. She got up and had some Yerba Matte tea, and took Bach Flower Remedies. By the morning, she felt tired but okay.
On New Year's day, I spoke to another friend and after sharing thoughts, she said that one day between Christmas Day and New Year's Eve, she felt she was dying. Same sort of story. And, she said her friend, Ruben, who had come over to celebrate New Year's with her said that on New Year's eve night, he felt he had gone into a deep silence, a void, during sleep; the silence was so penetrating, he thought he was dying.
So, what do I make of this? For me, its about dying to my old life in order to step into a new one. I feel as if I'm being asked to die to old ways, old thoughts, beliefs, values - even family and friends who are not by behavorial definition friends. I am being asked to be available, to be open, to welcome the changes that are necessary to bring in a new way to be.
And, interestingly, much of it is "an old way", perhaps even an ancient way. For months, I have heard the inner voice advising me to pare down, to separate myself from my exterior design, to tell myself the truth about what I eat, what I see, what I do, and to accept myself for not "being more" by exterior standards. I thought it was a function of age, as I am in my 60's. And, perhaps, to a degree it may be. However, when it comes to values, may be not.
Perhaps, that is what the earth is going through. Trying to return to base values, truths, honest reparation of self-esteem. Earthquakings, fissures amongs peoples, financial re-assessments anchored to what really matters - all the same malaise that haunted my own body that night but manifested in actual physical dis-ease.
Because I am a believer in Intelligent Spirit, in New Thought and Creative Consciousness, I believe we are headed into a Phoenix era, a time when we shall and must rise up in consciousness, and step into a comfortable body, a more natural body of self-evident truths, prepared by an assiduous cleansing through our heart filter. And first, we must find our true heart.